5 Stages of Makeup, By Age

From stealing your mom’s lipgloss, to applying eyeliner in the car on the way to your 9 to 5.

Your Tweens (12-14)

I really hope this lipgloss catches Robbie’s attention. I like him soooo much. If mom finds out I stole it from her purse, I’m going to be in so much trouble. If he talks to me after class, it’ll totally be worth it.

Girls in their tweens are just getting excited about makeup, but they don’t have the money to buy their own, and maybe don’t know how to bring it up to their parents. I know when I was 12, I didn’t want my mom to catch me wearing makeup, because she’d thought I was too young. So, of course, the logical thing to do was sneak some of my sister’s lipgloss into my backpack and apply it on the school bus. It wore off by the time I got home from school, and if my mom noticed, she never said anything.

Worth reading: When Do Girls Start Wearing Makeup?

Your High School Years (15-18)

Oh my GOD, is that a zit? Where’s my concealer? Let me just cover that up, and while I’m at it, I’ll put 3 layers of foundation on too. Did I put too much eyeliner on? HAHA, yeah right, there’s no such thing.

Now that you’ve got that part-time job, you can blow half your paycheck on your own makeup! Everyone else is wearing it at school, and you won’t be beaten. Drugstore brands are all you can really afford, but you occasionally splurge on Clinique. Your dad wants to know why you have to wake up at 5:30am to get to school by 8:00.

When I was in high school, you couldn’t keep me away from my eyeliner and LashBlast. My older sisters tried to steer me away from the raccoon-eyes look, but I definitely had that stubborn “Can’t stop, won’t stop!” mentality. If I could go back, I would totally try to employ some moderation.

Your Early Twenties (20-24)

Robbie’s going to be at that new club tonight. I should watch two hours of youtube videos until I find the perfect smokey eye to make him totally regret dumping me. I’ve got to make sure my mascara is waterproof, so when I get too drunk and start crying, it won’t run down my face.

Thanks to youtube gurus like Michelle Phan and Xteeener, you have now mastered the smokey eye and winged liner. Your clubbing days involve getting ready for 3 hours while telling your friends you’ve almost arrived. You have at least one Book of Shadows from Urban Decay, and you’ve just started to figure out the best eyebrow shape for your face.

Your Mid-Late Twenties (25-29)

This is my fourth first-date this week. Men love red lips, right? God, my purse is so heavy from stuffing my entire makeup collection in there. But what if I wake up at his place tomorrow morning and I don’t have any of my stuff?

By day: You’re out of school now, and working your first full-time job, so you’ve really cleaned up your makeup look. You’ve traded in your sexy smokey eye for a simple and classic look that is professional, yet still subtly sexy. You’ve learned how to contour your face, and it has totally changed your life.

By night: You’re serial dating (or at least I am), and your night life has been full of surprises. That biological clock is ticking, and you really want to impress your date with that bold red lip. Little do you know,  there are a lot of men out there who prefer a more natural look.

Your Thirties

I’m late for work – I’ve only got half my makeup on! I’ll finish it in the car. Crap, I’m getting pulled over! Time to cry – good thing this eyeliner is waterproof.

By your thirties – or really, by the time you’ve actually grown up (whatever age that might be), you have really gotten everything figured out. You are comfortable with your natural beauty, and you’ve got no time to care what other people think of your makeup. Your self confidence just makes you sexier!

You have mastered the less-is-more makeup look, and can do most of it while also doing something else, like driving or getting a pap-smear. You’ve switched from bold lipstick to subtler tones like mauve or nude. Your eyeliner is much less dramatic. You wear eyeshadow only on special occasions. You are a goddess. Goddesses do not need eyeshadow.